this time i feel like the time is not being kind to me, it reveals itself not as a continuous thing but i can only see one band then there is a gap before there is another band of time. could it be because i am going blind? have i shut myself down to see and feel most things?
this time it is midyear, as if reminding me in every breath i take that i am too in the middle.
in the middle of nothingness
in the middle of nowhere
in the middle of uncertainties
in the middle of tangled thoughts
in the middle of suppressed feelings
am i currently in the gap of time? will i ever be able to see time again as a continuous thing again? then maybe i will not be so lost..

i am crawling inch by inch
below the magnificent sky above
towards the endless plain in front
beside me, people are running
they are taller than me,
they are bigger than me,
they held their head high up,
which of them will be the highest?

i am crawling inch by inch,
the time sweeps passed me
but they sweep passed the time
my present is recreating every future time
their future is recreating their present
which of us is ahead of another?

i am finally going to graduate!

i just wonder whether this mark will be an end of a journey or it is simply another beginning?
if there is anything at all that will ever be an ending before death itself?
but come to think about it, isnt death the mark before the beginning of another phase?

or maybe.. only our thoughts are never ending, and each mark that we make are simply the measurement of how far we ever carried those thoughts into action or the measurement of the impact of our thoughts to our life..never a beginning nor an end.
perhaps they were simply the terms we create just to give us an idea on how far we have gone from the moment we thought was our beginning (eg. embryo formation). or was that even the beginning of us??

whatever it is, i am just simply glad i am moving! maybe i am moving forward.. or perhaps i am going backward? which ever it is, at least i am moving! let the plan reveals itself in time as i am moving along.

well.. nothing much really.. just thought i would write something i encountered recently that almost made me gave up, but it was that exact point of time i found that there is much more i gained than i had lost and many more to gain even after i had lost. i guess the saying "kegagalan itu adalah kunci dari suatu keberhasilan" might be right to a certain extent afterall :D hahahaa (though i have not attain that success yet.. but what determine success anyway?)

well then i failed a subject.. an elective to be precise, sigh.. why did i even bother to do that subject? or maybe it was fate? hahaha.. anyway, i almost gave up then i come to my senses after hearing many voices of those people that cared so i went to beg! hahaha then i got another chance but the result of that chance isnt out yet but at least i had gotten another chance! :D hahaha

anyways then i realised what i had gained. many times i felt so insecure.. i will feel lonely even in the most crowded place, then i managed to find some really close friends whom i really grew attached to. But then, in a blink of an eye, they left because they had someplace to go though we still keep in touch.. but still i felt that a hole started to open inside me again. i still had some close friends around me who also care about me, but still a lost can never be replace with a gain - then i thought.

in the moment of my failure, i was reminded that there was something which i received a while back but was never taken away from me. in fact, it was something which grew stronger inside me and the more days i live the more i feel so blessed to have had such a blessing - my family. we may not be so close - not so great in communicating, but still i had felt love even in the silence! many of the unspoken words have always managed to reach my heart and i hope my unspoken words will do the same! (though i am learning hard to say the things my heart really ache to say).

also, now currently i feel so blessed that i may have gain more love from those people i start to really care about (not my family, but i feel so bless about my family too). i may have not said much and may not say a lot in the near future, but one thing for sure is that you guys have earned a spot in my heart :D i hope this is not the beautiful sunset but the beautiful and promising sunrise! :D

anywayz, in short i had not given up, i had not lost all things. in contrast, i am moving on and will keep moving on and i am sure there are many more things that i will gain that i will be thanking about. come to think about it, the greatest blessing of all is that the blessing you receive now is not the last but it is the one before many more ahead. i am very grateful to Him who have never and will never let me down, who have never and will never fail to reach the deepest place inside me- my bestfriend.

there is a very good reason why i am not one of those world known sports person. for one, my heart races just by watching those people on their matches!!
anywayz congratulate to Roddick who played superbly to win the AAMI classic.. u r too good! :D (of course Federer is exceptional too.. but Roddick kept on hanging on and managed to pull through.. well done)

another congratulation goes to a friend who just managed to find a partner to share the good and the bad with :D so happy for you guys!!
this really brings back memories.. well one time i was writing something for you.. just an appreciation comment for being a friend who was around for a bit. anyway as i was writing there was this girl who mentioned to me 'why do you cover with your hand as you write on that paper? it is not as if i will try to read it..relax!'
well the thing is.. it is not really until today that i reflect on this and i think.. wait a minute for you to asked me that ..you must be bothered by the fact i was covering it!! and plus she was not close at all to me anyways so i find it awkward now that she even commented on that..

also to another friend who might feel slightly sad.. there is a season for eveything, for you it might just be around the corner!! :D

last but not least, soon i will have my sup paper.. please by any means divert all your good lucks to me and pray for me :D good day, people!

it seems lately the conversation i have will one or twice mentioned the word marriage.. wat the??

anyways something which was discussed today is:
how we are not supposed to be too picky and not supposed to be picking eveything that comes your way!

i cannot believe that i am still 20 and i hear the word marriage everywhere already... i just cant imagine if i am not yet married by the age of 28 or 29, maybe it will be haunting me then.. by hearing, reading and by visions.. (hey dont have those dirty thoughts once i mention the word visions.. hahaha, what i mean is the visions of those that have hands they can hold on to.. or those that have crossed the word lonely from their vocabularies).

to everyone - may we all find happiness where ever it is we are looking at.. both alone and attached. hahahahaha have great night people..

sometimes you tell stories or you express yourself in a non obvious way, not because you do not want to be noticed feeling what ever it is you are feeling, but you want to see who can see right through you.. who can predict you! and if ever that person is found, you will watch carefully whether s/he will comfort you or if s/he is stupid enough to not only notice but damage you even further with outrageous comments. a joke?? yeah well.. it was over so get over it!!

ask yourself this question: are you comfortable if what ever you said to one is going to be said to you by another? are you going to be hurt by your very own words?

if everytime you are hurting people and afterwards you are trying to make up with the lame excuse of "joking" , get real! if you can be the joke all the time and not being hurt by being one, then perhaps you have the right to put the joke spotlight on your friend.. if not, please be damn considerate and be a little more sensitive of others' feelings!! Afterall, being a friend is not to pluck a feather a day from your friend's wings!!

pissed?? damn right i am pissed!
ok.. nice to get it out! i am going to be calm again for now.. :D *smash tables*